lost identity

aug29.jpgl——————————
login as: uusisaar
uusisaar@sirppi.helsinki.fi’s password:
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palvelupisteessä, Fabianinkatu 24 (ma-ti, to-pe 9-15, ke 12-15)
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This account has expired.
Students in attendance can renew their accounts at help desk
at Fabianinkatu 24 (mon-tue, thu-fri 9-15, wed 12-15)
All others should contact the contact person of their departments.
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So, there it went. 11 years of /eorkm/uusisaar. Remembered to redirect the iki address somewhere else, and collected some 11 megs of .sendmsgs into a safe place. Forgot to clean up the screen processes, so my ghost still hovers on some irc channels. Somewhat reluctant to start using a new server for passing through. Feels weird.
The typhoon Chaba passed last night the Sea of Japan / East Sea / Korean Sea, with enough wind to break a few branches around the campus area in addition to leaving 5 dead, almost 100 injured and close to 40000 people evacuated from their homes, including some 3500 who had to leave their homes by the seaside due to high waves. Watching the live feed at the gym was like watching the trailer for Day after Tomorrow.
And, I could not get more than some 2 hours of sleep last night. I blame the howling wind, even though probably without proper justification. This must just be the price to pay for having a reasonably good Monday at work and some – albeit a very small amount – of work-related inspiration and ideas for things to accomplish today, as well as the determination to write some e-mails to people who definitely deserve being more appreciated. Instead, I do what I usually do when too tired to even pick up my morning demitassa Boss Latte canned coffee – write a meaningless blog entry.
Lost identity, meaningless life – I’m numbing away.
I feel somehow weird reading the blogs I usually read. Like I would be fooling someone, about something – no idea who and what. Maybe, each day, I feel more distant from the world they are written in. And this despite I very strongly know and feel that this windy island of mine is on another face of the same planet.

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3 thoughts on “lost identity

  1. Wanted to say something, though I really don’t know what. Maybe that… I’d really like you to stay our friend even though you’re so far away. And yet I don’t really know what to do to prevent us from alienating from you, or vice versa.

  2. Thank you, I appreciate. A friend I will stay – there’s just something wrong with my head, I guess. Or maybe I just think too much about things like, noticing that hey, the night of Arts was, and again I was not there, and that I don’t remember how the air smells on the first mornings in Helsinki that promise the autumn…
    Alienating might be just a way to say “changing”. I suppose there’s no way a person could move into a new country and not be changed by it. I think I was telling someone before leaving Finland that, actually, the person that she knows is not coming back – if someone’s coming back, it’s a person with the same social security number and genetick background but most likely very different person in many ways. It only remains to hope that a change will be for good and not for worse – but that’s what everyone should be hoping for, to become a better and not a worse person, I guess.
    And, referring to what you said earlier about mutually rewarding relationships – I fully agree. Just that I feel I am not doing what I really want to do, even though I actually AM doing it, and nothing much more. Maybe I am just doing it all somehow wrong, and that’s why it does not feel like a serious relationship.
    In Stephenson’s “Quicksilver”, the main character Daniel Waterhouse suffers of frustration – he wants to be a Natural Philosophick person and an important member of the Royal Society – but, how can he be that when surrounded by such brilliant minds like Leibnitz, Boyle, Newton …? So, he decides (at around page 300/1000) that he will be an actor at the scene between Science and the everyday world, a popular scientist perhaps.
    I’m notoriously good at finding my mental performances falling behind those around me in this business, and because of that it might seem that I am not on the right path at all. I try to keep going on, anyhow… and perhaps I learn to write about science in such a way that it could be useful in bridging the gap between Science and the ‘everyday world’. (A subject I always wish I had the will and skill to write about;)

  3. Not wrong with your head, just how it is. Speaking from experience, I’ll tell you that people who matter will stay as your friends, while others… Well, there are many reasons why you won’t keep all your friends (as close friends anyway) – like, some relationships/people require constant care which just isn’t possible from another country.
    I’ve for years had a phone bill of around £100 a month to be able to keep in contact with a person who really matters. With others I stay in contact in other ways – some relationships are strong without even that. But there are not many, and in a way I find that it’s a good thing – because when in Finland, I’d rather spend quality time with certain people than trying to meet everyone under the sun in the meager days I have and exhausting myself in the process. And in the beginning I tried – then you find out that a certain amount of selfishness is good for you.
    But sounds like you’re pretty realistic and pretty clued about it already.

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